I only kidnapped one of them. chill
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
