Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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