Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
