my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
