Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
