We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
