Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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