So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
