Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
