Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
