We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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