I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
