I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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