this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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