just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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