I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
