is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
