Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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