so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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