After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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