you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
