this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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