I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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