maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
