I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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