There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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