I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
