I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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