just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
