apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
