if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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