I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
