My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
