Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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