Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
