They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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