cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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