The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
