i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
