His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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