eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you had me at cake vodka
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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