OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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