last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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