Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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