He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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