do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
