I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
