I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
