I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
