birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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