I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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