I'm lost and stupid without you.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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