So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
